


(S)he

by 666maggot777



Series: Lover is a day [4]
Category: Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic
Genre: Acceptance, Coming Out, M/M, Misgendering, Trans Male Character, Trans!Judar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-28 18:15:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20782964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/666maggot777/pseuds/666maggot777
Summary: Judar isn't quite sure why he feels a certain way about his body, maybe he's insecure? But all he knows is he's tired of being called 'she'.





	(S)he

**Author's Note:**

> Hello...again...I uh..have depression? It isn't dysphoria related...I am like down cuz of my writing and art. I think I'm bad at everything I attempt, like writing. My writing is like.... REALLY bad to look at.
> 
> ANYWAY, please enjoy whatever the fuck this is.

Over the years of knowing Judar, he's changed so much. Hakuryuu and him use to be inseparable, but they had unfortunately drifted apart for quite some time, until reconnecting after sharing the same desire.   
  
When they were kids, Hakuryuu only knew Judar as a girl and he connected to only acknowledge him as such until Judar was comfortable enough to tell me.   
  
"I'd highly appreciate it if you didn't call me 'she'."   
  
Hakuryuu was taking a break from his daily training and as usual, Judar always hopped over to "annoy him". They were talking for a while until Hakuryuu had apparently said something that made Judar upset.   
  
He was quiet for a bit and it was awkward, until Judar spoke and it left Hakuryuu a bit puzzled.   
  
"I do not understand? You were never bothered with anyone calling you 'she', am I wrong-"  
  
Judar was laying on the grass, but shot up to correct Hakuryuu.   
  
"Well I have a problem with it now. Stop it."   
  
Judar has never been angry with him, at least to Hakuryuu's knowledge.   
  
Judar didn't elaborate on what he meant, he only got up on his own two feet and decided to do something else with his free time.   
⛈⛈⛈  
Gyokuen Ren was in the garden, she screamed for Judar, but there has been no sign of him since morning. She was clearly frustrated, but the priest behind placed their hand on her shoulder, giving her reassuring words until she eventually calmed down.   
  
She approached Hakuryuu and asked him where Judar was.   
  
"Not a clue." He responded like he was trying to speak with spit in his mouth, clearly showing his disgust.  
  
"Of course you wouldn't have a clue. She's been gone since this morning and I can't seem to find her! Oh what will I do with her.."   
  
Her voice was dramatic and words were dragged out just so she could be over the top. Hakuryuu didn't care about her relationship with the person who use to be his best friend, no, he didn't care at all!  
  
Gyokuen Ren didn't seem like she'd be leaving anytime soon, she was rambling about how mischievous Judar could be and how "she" would always skip out on important meetings, how "she" would be ungrateful to certain gifts offered to "her".   
  
Hakuryuu didn't know why, but hearing her address Judar that way, it did not sit right with him.   
  
He got up and dusted himself off, clearly done with whatever the hell he was doing, and proceeded to walk off while his "mother" rambled.   
  
But he didn't leave completely.   
  
"Hey..um..maybe Don't call Judar a "she"? I don't know, just something Judar said."   
  
Gyokuen Ren raised her eyebrow, eyeing her son curiously, "what else am I supposed to call Judar? It? Does Judar want to be referred to like an object?"   
  
She's really getting agitating and not making this better with the mockery in her voice.   
  
More importantly, why did Hakuryuu even care?  
  
"No--well..I do not know. Maybe when you find her-Judar you can talk about it? I gotta go."   
  
Hakuryuu didn't bother hearing her reply, he walked away, but heard a mutter of words and they were probably criticizing the new information.   
⛈⛈⛈  
Later that night..  
  
"Haku!"   
  
Judar exclaimed the other's name, while dangling from the window. One could only presume he was on the roof.   
  
But Hakuryuu jumped at the unexpected call of his name, making him fall from his bed and hit the wooden floor.   
  
A person outside his door had heard the sudden noise, they perked up and knocked on the sliding door.   
  
"What's going on?"   
  
Hakuryuu adjusted himself and quickly answered, "I'm okay! I just uh.....it doesn't matter, I'm okay! Thank you."   
  
Judar laughed from the window, snickering from behind his hand.   
  
Hakuryuu pulled himself back up on the bed, scowling at the man across from him.  
  
"I'm surprised they didn't hear you. What do you want? Where have you been all day?! My "mother" has been yelling and calling for you all day."   
  
"Huh? Oh! Yeah, about that. I'll tell you, just come up to the roof, okay?"   
  
"Wha--no! It's late, the moon is out-"   
  
"So what? The moon is always out. Just say you hate fun, Hakuryuu."   
  
Hakuryuu was very ready to scream or assault Judar with a pillow, but he had decided against it and dumbly took up Judar on his offer.   
  
He walked to the window and Judar instantly retreated from Hakuryuu's view, a hand was offered to him as he began to climb, he wanted to smack it away, but considering how high up he was, he took it.   
  
He was seated next to Judar, who wore the biggest smile he's ever seen, but Judar is always flashing big smiles his way and it's always been that way.   
  
Yes, Judar smiles at others, especially those he's fighting or mocking (or both), but he always widened his smiles around Hakuryuu, and he's done this since they were kids.   
  
Hakuryuu wishes they were kids again, both very oblivious to the horrible things that took place within the walls of Kou, but if wishes worked, his "mother" would be croaking by now.   
  
A peach was brushed up against Hakuryuu's cheek, throwing him out of his thoughts.   
  
"Peach?"   
  
Judar had offered a peach while biting into one himself. They looked ripe and seemed to be more sweet than anything.   
  
Hakuryuu took the peach, examining it as if looking to see if someone poisoned his food.   
  
"Stop being paranoid and just eat."   
  
Hakuryuu took a bite and tasted nothing out of the ordinary, it was sweet and exploded with juice. It was good. Judar must've been out peach picking again.   
  
"You wanted to know where I've been, right?" Judar spoke with a mouth full.   
  
Hakuryuu was still chewing, so he only nodded and hummed his answer.   
  
"Well..if you could guess, I was peach picking all day, I saw some locals and bought a few other things for myself. I bought uhhh..bandages for myself."   
  
Hakuryuu swallowed the chewed up peach pieces.   
  
"Why? Are you hurt?" Which wouldn't make sense, they had a lot of traditional Chinese medicine, so why buy bandages beyond Kou?   
  
"Mm. Hahahaha. No." Judar's laugh was forced and he sounded moreso nervous. Hakuryuu said nothing because he knew there was more to it.   
  
"You remember yesterday? When I asked you to not address me as 'she'?"   
  
Hakuryuu nodded, again.   
  
"Well, it's related to that. You see...uh..I don't know how to break this to you, so I'm just gonna come out and say it. I'm a boy."   
  
Hakuryuu stared blankly at the other man, taking in what he just said and now he's left more confused than before. He doesn't know if this is some elaborate thing Judar is doing, just to fuck with him, but he needs answers.   
  
"I do not understand-"   
  
"Yeah? Well, me neither."   
  
Judar threw the pitch pit off the roof, silently hoping he hit a guard, and laid down on the tiles of the roof, arms used as a cushion for his head.   
  
His shirt slid up slightly, revealing bandages wrapped around his chest, they didn't look that well wrapped, but Hakuryuu really couldn't tell.   
  
"If you're confused, then how can you confidently say you're the opposite sex?"   
  
"I do not know,"   
  
Hakuryuu was about to get up, getting tired of this.   
  
"But! I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I can't explain it...I don't like how my," Judar motioned with his hands towards his chest, clearly trying to make Hakuryuu understand what he's uncomfortable about.   
  
"Your breast?"   
  
"Yeah! Ugh..do not say that..I hate that word. Call them, I don't know...pecs or something, or just my chest."   
  
"Uhuh."   
  
"But what was I saying? Oh, right. My body looks really different to me and it's difficult to even look at. Surprise, surprise I still have my chastity because I'm too scared of another person looking at me! I do not want to be perceived with the human eye, I would like to not exist."   
  
Hakuryuu is trying his best here, he really is, but he can only assume he understands a bit of what Judar is talking about. He believes he's read about it before, but Kou being where it is now, it's not widely out there.   
  
The most you can do is crossdress for plays, which is just for entertainment purposes. Men do it all the time, it was only for show, so noone really cared. Along as you weren't claiming to be the opposite of what you are, it is fine.   
  
"So...what I'm getting is..you are uncomfortable with your entire image, you have self image issues and do not want to be perceived as a woman? Am I correct?"   
  
"Yeah! But is self image issues, really the right word here? I mean I don't hate my body, I just wish it were different."   
  
"Very conflicting. What are you going to do about it?"   
  
"Well, I bought the bandages to flatten my chest and I'm going to convince the witch to address as how I want to be addressed. You have to do it too, Haku."   
  
"I can try-"   
  
"No you won't try, you will! I know you can refere to me as a man."   
  
"I-I will..."   
  
Judar sat up and patted Hakuryuu on the back harshly.   
  
"Well, for one, your pats are strong as a man, so I think that counts?"   
  
Judar giggled, holding his hand to his mouth to make sure he didn't make a lot of noise.   
  
Hakuryuu stared in awe. Judar looked happy and if he really thought about it, Judar was more masculine than he was feminine. He did things that weren't considered very girly, an example would be him touching bugs, even if it's something small, Hakuryuu was scared to death over a caterpillar while Judar would poke at it and let it crawl all over his hand.   
  
He presented a spider once to Hakuryuu, nearly causing the frightened boy's soul to leave his body.   
  
Judar had the spider for awhile, he named it fuzzy. It was a fuzzy spider, with lot's of eyes and legs, and it scared Hakuryuu.   
  
"Lady's don't play with spiders."   
  
"Then I don't wanna be a lady."   
  
Hakuryuu was snapped out of his thoughts once again, but this time instead of offering a peach, he winced and talked about the bandages digging into his sides.   
  
"Do you want me to fix them?"   
  
"H-huh?! Are you serious?"   
  
"Hm? Yeah? I wouldn't have offered."  
  
Hakuryuu questions himself again, why does he care? He doesn't even know why he dares to engage in an conversation like this, why entertain Judar's thoughts? Why amuse him at all? But the more he thought like that, the more he felt bad.   
  
He knows why he bothers to even dignify Judar with a response, but he'll never admit outloud.   
  
He hears Judar sigh and huff out an 'okay'. He reaches for the hem of his shirt, reluctant at first, but takes it off. He places the black fabric onto his lap, his still covered chest on display, but they looked to be wrapped heedlessly, like he was in a rush.   
  
His ribs looked a bit red from the improper wrapping, so Hakuryuu decided to stop staring and pay attention.   
  
"Turn around?"   
  
"Huh? O-oh! Right, right..." Judar was clearly perturbed by the situation, but still wanted to pretend it was okay.   
  
The bandages were unwrapped slowly, it wasn't meant to be dramatic, but at some points or was quite hard to unwrap, but the sluggish movement was to see if Judar was completely sure about this. He's never been so quiet, it was a sign he was clearly uncomfortable, but refused to say anything.   
  
The bandages fell loose and unravelled, dropping to his waist. Hakuryuu gathered them all, trying his best to not touch Judar anyway and making him uncomfortable.  
  
Hakuryuu probably realized half way, that he can't exactly wrap this without properly seeing the front of Judar, but he's gonna try his best for tonight.   
  
He'll look around for something that's better for Judar to use, he doesn't think bandages are the job for something like this.   
  
"Hey, Hakuryuu?"   
  
"Mhm?"   
  
"Do you wanna see?"   
  
"See what?"   
  
"My chest."   
  
Hakuryuu's hands halted upon wrapping under Judar's arm and around his rib. He contemplated, very thrown off by what Judar is asking him.   
  
Hakuryuu's face felt hot, he was thankful for the fact Judar wasn't facing him, otherwise this would be so much more worse.   
  
"Haku, what's taking you so long to answer? Yes or no?"   
  
"Uh..would that not make you uncomfortable?"   
  
"Huh--oh--no! I mean I'm covered from what you wrapped, I'm just saying you could adjust it and wrap the rest with me facing you."   
  
Hakuryuu was very ready to either jump from the roof or go lay down, forget this happened. It's very simple, he should've thought of that instead of something else.   
  
He told Judar to tear around and continued what he was previously doing. He made sure it was secure, but not too restricting, he could have made them tighter, but it would lead to some dangers. He told Judar to swap these out by morning and do not forget it. Hakuryuu promises to look for something more fitting and comfortable for his friend.   
  
He doesn't understand why he should even go through the effort, but its not hard.   
  
It's not much work and nowadays, Hakuryuu is either scowling at his mother, training or secretly thinking about the person who use to be his best friend.   
  
No in between.   
  
They say their goodbyes and both retire for the night.   
⛈⛈⛈  
Judar has had a fight with the "people" the calls dolls, snapping at him everytime and they seemed to have been equipped with a tongue, meaning that if Judar said something that ridiculed them or belittled them, they'd throw it right back.   
  
Judar has fought verbally with Gyokuen Ren, she threw in sly remarks about his insecurities and learned she can manipulate them anyway she can. The passing week has been horrible, running him racket and the only breath of fresh air he gets is from speaking to Hakuryuu.   
  
He enjoys their conversations and unfortunate small talk, it keeps him sane.  
  
When the new week starts and the sun wakes from it's slumber, Judar discoveres something wrapped neatly in a cute little package, in front of his door. It had no name, but a little note had a poem on it.   
  
Judar put the poem aside, deciding to read it later and torn open the gift. It was a shirt, but it was rather stretchy and tight. It seemed to fit around his chest nicely and they didn't seem to poke out as much, so that was great.   
  
He could actually breathe while wearing the top, he could move just as easily and wasn't exactly restricted to one of many things. His ribs didn't feel like they were being crushed and he could puff out his chest.   
  
It was stretchy, tight, but not restricting and breathable. This was perfect for Judar and he had to go thank the person.   
  
He wore his perusal outfit, only now you can see the new stretchy top underneath the actual shirt. In everyone's eyes, especially Hakuryuu, Judar seemes much more happy. Sh-he has been prancing around and hopping on his toes.   
  
Hakuryuu hasn't spoken to him in awhile, not like he would on his own accord, normally Judar would come over, but that's not the case.   
  
Without a distraction, Hakuryuu should be happy, but he's slightly bothered by not being interrupted.   
⛈⛈⛈  
The next time Judar is seen, he's being yelled at over clothes, then he's recovering from bruises, but he's chipper as ever.   
  
Judar yells for Hakuryuu and normally he'd be ignored, but Hakuryuu whips his neck around so fast, it cauaes a strain.   
  
He rubbed the back of his neck.   
  
"You okay?"   
  
"Huh...yeah. I turned too fast--wait, what do you want?"   
  
"Hm? Well I got this paper here," Judar pulled it out from his shirt and held between his index and middle finger, "and it's a poem."   
  
Hakuryuu flushed red.   
  
"You see, I recognized the hand writing, I compared it to letters and I've come to find..."   
  
Hakuryuu really wants to hit him, but he can't hit a girl--wait, Judar isn't a girl! He has every right to just knock him down, but that makes him look bad. He could just die right here, die from embarrassment.   
  
He needs to breathe and stop overreacting, it's not that bad!   
  
"You wrote me this."   
  
It is that bad!   
  
"How do you know someone didn't forge my hand writing?"   
  
Judar listened to Hakuryuu's words, he unfolded the paper and examined the writing, he snickered and raised an eyebrow.   
  
"Listen I don't care about what you say, it wasn't anyone else, only you really know and you're the only one who took me serious last night. Just take credit for it, I'm not into cheesy stuff, but the poem's cute. I'm keepin' it."   
  
Just hit him, it wouldn't matter, just knock him out.   
  
Hakuryuu decided against it, thinking he's better than that.   
  
"Whatever, fine. Keep it, I obviously wrote it for a reason. Now scram, I was busy before you came here."   
  
Judar gave one of his wider smiles, again. He seemed far too overjoyed, but it was his queue to take his leave, and he did.   
  
Hakuryuu resumed the task at hand, butit wasn't like Judar didn't flood his mind. He thought about him too much and instead of being hostile towards him, they seemed to have grown closer, almost chatting like nothing is happening.   
  
Hakuryuu bought something and absent mindedly wrote a dumb little poem, he didn't think about it, not at all.   
  
He doesn't even care now, he's still thinking about her-him, even with the information he has, he can't think differently of someone who use to be his friend.   
  
It's going to be awhile before he gets a hand of this entire thing, he's heard of it, but hasn't encountered a single person like Judar, books weren't much help and most of them sounded misinformed or straight up disrespectful.   
  
Weeks go by and addressing Judar with 'he' seems to roll off the tongue well, it doesn't feel funny and it certainly seems right. More and more Judar's mannerisms change, it's nice.   
  
They've decided to kill Hakuryuu's own mother, together.   
  
It was nice.  
  
It was nice to kill the one person who's taken so much from you and made your life plain awful.   
  
It is nice to be in love with your best friend.   
  
It is also nice to marry your best friend.   
⛈⛈⛈  
"Haku, Haku!"   
  
"Yeah?"   
  
"Do you remember when you wrote me that cute little poem? You tried to lie and say it was forged?"   
  
Judar sat on Hakuryuu's desk, looming over him as he wrote, but his hand halted around another stroke and after a few moments, he resumed. His face was hot, good thing Judar couldn't see him.   
  
"Yes.."   
  
"Why did you lie? It was cute!"   
  
"I was embarrassed and very conflicted."   
  
Judar ruffled Hakuryuu's hair, the act all too familiar to Hakuryuu, he's done this since they were kids growing up.   
  
"Oh that's even cuter."   
  
Hakuryuu remembers why he wanted to punch Judar, but now he can also tackle him.   
  
Judar pressed a kiss to the top of his husband's head.   
  
"Juju.."   
  
"Mhm?"   
  
"Will you let me take you to bed?"   
  
"Of course, my king."   
  
Hakuryuu dropped everything he was doing, putting down his pen and thinking his paper work can wait later.   
  
He sweeped Judar up into his arms, cradling him close to his body. He was practically vibrated with every step, pacing to get to their room.   
  
It was going to be a long day, paperwork left undone and ink left to dry.   
  


**Author's Note:**

> My brain feels like fizzzzz I am not feeling great enough to continue writing, but I'm hanging in there. I'd like a beta reader cuz that'd be great.


End file.
